It was a bright, sunny summer morning, and Kitty had slept
longer than usual. The sun had been in the sky for twelve or thirteen minutes,
and both of the clock’s hands were on the five. Kitty usually woke everyone up
at 3:45am, but this morning she waited until 5:25am, a time that was late
enough in the morning that no one would be able to get back to sleep, though
they desperately needed it.
Kitty shook herself all over and meowed annoyingly, to let
everyone know it was time for her to eat. The man who controlled the food, whom
Kitty liked to call Doofus or Doo-dittly-oofus if she was feeling playfully
poetic, just lay there in denial, acting as if he were asleep. Kitty made her
way to the faux-wood blinds hanging in the window near Doofus’ head and pulled
gently on the slat that was directly in line between the morning sun and Doofus’
eyes. When the blinds were pulled away from the window, and a ray of sunlight
pierced Doofus’ eyelid, Kitty paused for just a moment, enjoying how tightly
Doofus squeezed his eyes shut. Just as he grew accustomed to the sun and
started to relax, kitty released the blinds; their faux-wood make-up made them
heavy, and they made quite a clatter as they crashed into the window.
Doofus eyes flew open, and he looked at the clock and
quickly processed the information, realizing with a sigh that there would be no
more sleep for him today. Kitty smiled, enjoying watching Doofus’ mind realize
how screwed he was. Kitty hopped down to the floor, and with a screech-like
meow darted behind the mirror leaning against the wall.
Doofus sat up on the edge of the bed, and kitty poked her
head out from behind the mirror and screeched again, “For the love of God!
Someone please help me!!” she called out, over and over.
Doofus hated that particular tone and swooped down to grab
Kitty just as she disappeared behind the mirror again.
“Really? You suck!” Doofus whispered, so as not disturb Mrs.
Doofus, who somehow managed to sleep peacefully through it all.
“Screw you then,” Doofus said and sat back down. He was about
to lay down again, when he realized that Puppy had quickly moved up and taken
over his spot and was now laying on his pillow and licking her privates.
“ You suck too!” Doofus said quietly to Puppy. “I should
have left you both at the humane society!” he said and chuckled, pleased that even
in the throes of sleep deprivation he was able to come up with such scathing
remark. Puppy rolled over, and her tail thumped the pillow rhythmically, the
insult soaring by far above her.
Just then Kitty hopped up to the window and reached for the
blinds, one eye on Doofus all the while.
Doofus lashed out and
grabbed kitty, only getting one front leg. The other front leg and both back
legs ran in place as Kitty tried to get away, launching everything from the
night stand onto the floor. Mrs. Doofus made a small noise and rolled over,
quickly finding deeper sleep again.
Doofus picked up Kitty and headed to the pantry to feed her.
Kitty still had half a bowl of food and began purring in anticipation of eating
it.
“Son of a bitch!” Doofus exclaimed. “You already have food…why
don’t you come look before you start crying about how tough you have it!”
Kitty stood patiently by her bowl and waited for additional
food to be added before she began eating. Doofus was taking his sweet time, so
she screeched at him again, “For the love of God, Please help me!”
Doofus added breakfast to the remnants of dinner and turned
to walk away, now fully awake. Kitty hopped down and ran after him, darting
between his legs and causing him to stumble into the edge of the counter top.
“Really? Now you’re not hungry?”
Kitty sprinted ahead of Doofus and ran into the bathroom.
She knew he was way passed sleep now, so if he was headed this way it was to
take a whiz. Kitty briefly rued the fact that she was unable to close and lock
the door, and then sprang into her litter box. After making a shallow
depression in a “clean” patch of litter, Kitty squatted and whizzed. She quickly
filled the small depression, and the excess ran out under her rear paws. She
clawed at the sides of the box, the nearby wall and a dirty shirt on the floor…anything
but the actual litter that was designed specifically for the purpose of covering
whiz. As Kitty wandered around in the box, some litter stuck to her urine
soaked paws and they looked as if they had been dipped in crumbly blue
sprinkles. When she jumped out of the litter box, the sticky litter broke free
and scattered across the floor.
Sure enough, Doofus followed her into the bathroom to whiz
himself. When he finished and Kitty had danced around and flung litter all about
her, Doofus went to the sink to brush his teeth. Kitty quickly sprang back into
the box and made a new depression in the litter, and as Doofus bent over the
sink just a few feet away, Kitty put her front paws on the edge of the box and
stood tall, her business-end centered over the depression. Kitty squeezed and
glared at Doofus, and as the foul stench floated up around Doofus and his tooth
brush, kitty began to claw at the wall, box and dirty clothes. All the while,
the small mountain of dookie lay unearthed and fuming.
Doofus quickly grabbed the litter scoop and covered
everything in the box, gagging slightly at both the visual and aromatic
presence of both whiz and dookie.
Kitty seemed pleased and darted off toward the pantry, the
few remaining pieces of litter flying off her paws as she went. With a look
back at Doofus she called out annoyingly, “For the love of god, Please help me!”
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