Friday, November 30, 2012

Kitty takes a whiz

The first installment of a playful series of kids books regarding Kitty's life...?!@?

It was a bright, sunny summer morning, and Kitty had slept longer than usual. The sun had been in the sky for twelve or thirteen minutes, and both of the clock’s hands were on the five. Kitty usually woke everyone up at 3:45am, but this morning she waited until 5:25am, a time that was late enough in the morning that no one would be able to get back to sleep, though they desperately needed it.
Kitty shook herself all over and meowed annoyingly, to let everyone know it was time for her to eat. The man who controlled the food, whom Kitty liked to call Doofus or Doo-dittly-oofus if she was feeling playfully poetic, just lay there in denial, acting as if he were asleep. Kitty made her way to the faux-wood blinds hanging in the window near Doofus’ head and pulled gently on the slat that was directly in line between the morning sun and Doofus’ eyes. When the blinds were pulled away from the window, and a ray of sunlight pierced Doofus’ eyelid, Kitty paused for just a moment, enjoying how tightly Doofus squeezed his eyes shut. Just as he grew accustomed to the sun and started to relax, kitty released the blinds; their faux-wood make-up made them heavy, and they made quite a clatter as they crashed into the window.  
Doofus eyes flew open, and he looked at the clock and quickly processed the information, realizing with a sigh that there would be no more sleep for him today. Kitty smiled, enjoying watching Doofus’ mind realize how screwed he was. Kitty hopped down to the floor, and with a screech-like meow darted behind the mirror leaning against the wall.
Doofus sat up on the edge of the bed, and kitty poked her head out from behind the mirror and screeched again, “For the love of God! Someone please help me!!” she called out, over and over.
Doofus hated that particular tone and swooped down to grab Kitty just as she disappeared behind the mirror again.
“Really? You suck!” Doofus whispered, so as not disturb Mrs. Doofus, who somehow managed to sleep peacefully through it all.
“Screw you then,” Doofus said and sat back down. He was about to lay down again, when he realized that Puppy had quickly moved up and taken over his spot and was now laying on his pillow and licking her privates.
“ You suck too!” Doofus said quietly to Puppy. “I should have left you both at the humane society!” he said and chuckled, pleased that even in the throes of sleep deprivation he was able to come up with such scathing remark. Puppy rolled over, and her tail thumped the pillow rhythmically, the insult soaring by far above her.
Just then Kitty hopped up to the window and reached for the blinds, one eye on Doofus all the while.
Doofus  lashed out and grabbed kitty, only getting one front leg. The other front leg and both back legs ran in place as Kitty tried to get away, launching everything from the night stand onto the floor. Mrs. Doofus made a small noise and rolled over, quickly finding deeper sleep again.
Doofus picked up Kitty and headed to the pantry to feed her. Kitty still had half a bowl of food and began purring in anticipation of eating it.
“Son of a bitch!” Doofus exclaimed. “You already have food…why don’t you come look before you start crying about how tough you have it!”
Kitty stood patiently by her bowl and waited for additional food to be added before she began eating. Doofus was taking his sweet time, so she screeched at him again, “For the love of God, Please help me!”
Doofus added breakfast to the remnants of dinner and turned to walk away, now fully awake. Kitty hopped down and ran after him, darting between his legs and causing him to stumble into the edge of the counter top.
“Really? Now you’re not hungry?”
Kitty sprinted ahead of Doofus and ran into the bathroom. She knew he was way passed sleep now, so if he was headed this way it was to take a whiz. Kitty briefly rued the fact that she was unable to close and lock the door, and then sprang into her litter box. After making a shallow depression in a “clean” patch of litter, Kitty squatted and whizzed. She quickly filled the small depression, and the excess ran out under her rear paws. She clawed at the sides of the box, the nearby wall and a dirty shirt on the floor…anything but the actual litter that was designed specifically for the purpose of covering whiz. As Kitty wandered around in the box, some litter stuck to her urine soaked paws and they looked as if they had been dipped in crumbly blue sprinkles. When she jumped out of the litter box, the sticky litter broke free and scattered across the floor.
Sure enough, Doofus followed her into the bathroom to whiz himself. When he finished and Kitty had danced around and flung litter all about her, Doofus went to the sink to brush his teeth. Kitty quickly sprang back into the box and made a new depression in the litter, and as Doofus bent over the sink just a few feet away, Kitty put her front paws on the edge of the box and stood tall, her business-end centered over the depression. Kitty squeezed and glared at Doofus, and as the foul stench floated up around Doofus and his tooth brush, kitty began to claw at the wall, box and dirty clothes. All the while, the small mountain of dookie lay unearthed and fuming.
Doofus quickly grabbed the litter scoop and covered everything in the box, gagging slightly at both the visual and aromatic presence of both whiz and dookie.
Kitty seemed pleased and darted off toward the pantry, the few remaining pieces of litter flying off her paws as she went. With a look back at Doofus she called out annoyingly, “For the love of god, Please help me!”

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

All you have to do is...

In these trying times, when faith in the government and in American ingenuity are waning, the problems we face are apparently much simpler to resolve than the state of things would indicate. If politicians only had the insight that many people I know seem to have. Almost daily, I hear simple fixes for our problems that usually begin with, "All you have to do is..."
To remedy an overwhelming national debt, all you have to do is institute a flat income tax, with no loopholes; everyone pays 10% of what they make. The IRS disappears, because the taxes are taken out of paychecks and turned over to the treasury. No more charitable-contribution-deductions, which for most of us translates directly into no more charitable-contributions. An unexpected benefit might be that people have to face their true feelings regarding charitable acts, resulting in a renewed commitment to helping those who need help...
To stimulate jobs, all you have to do is drug test people on welfare. These freeloaders would lose there funding and be forced to go to work to get money for their next "fix." Easy-peasey, no more welfare-state. An unexpected benefit might be that people earning their own money wouldn't want to give it away so freely, but there is also the distinct possibility that they aren't all drug addicts, and drug testing might not eliminate the program at all and only add great expense.
To bring jobs back to America, all you have to do is stop buying products made in China. Try it, it's not possible. There is really no reason to delve any further into this one to discredit it. They really should celebrate the 4th of July and Lincoln's birthday in China. Imagine celebrating those holidays here in America without China's napkins, plates, utensils, balls and bats or Frisbees, no invitations to send out for your bbq, no grill...what would we do without China? It seems that we're rather ungrateful to the country that's keeping us afloat. OR, maybe we could actually stop shopping at Satan's store (you know the one I mean...they're everywhere) and instead of wanting to only pay 59 cents for a thousand paper plates, we could pay a buck for a hundred made right here in America.

Any social remedy that begins with "All you have to do is...," inevitably leads down a convoluted path that requires the kind of personal sacrifice that we seem to have lost the taste for. When deciding if we can do without a product that a carefully produced ad makes apparent that everyone else has, our introspective rarely goes past step one of the flow chart... 1. Do I want it?

On a lighter note, I saw a t-shirt that said "In dog beers I've only had two."