Democrats, what if...

I was running along thinking about the likelihood that the next president will be a Democrat. This, of course, led to thoughts of JFK, RFK...all the K's, even the ones that are now S's. Next came thoughts of Marylin Monroe and what a "tortured starlet's" life she led...what if she hadn't been a tortured starlet? What if she never met the Kennedy's? What if the Kennedy's and the mob never had her whacked?

Lee Harvey Oswald, an obsessively dedicated Marylin Monroe fan, never takes up his position in the book depository. He runs the Marylin Monroe fan club for 15 years before finally meeting her in person at a fan rally to rejuvenate her dying career, where he accidentally overhears her talking to her publicist:
"Give me a damn cigarette and lets get this over with...my gosh do I have to take a crap."
Needless to say he lost all interest in her, moved out of his parents basement, got some counselling and a real job.

JFK serves two terms as president, brings peace to the middle east, rain to the mid-west and a new car to every garage. Without Marylin Monroe occupying his spare time, he masters the German language and gives his "Ich bin ein Berliner" speech in perfect high-German, after which Germany agrees to become the 51st state.

Young Teddy is so impressed with JFK's impact on the world that he devotes his life to the studies of man and nature; on a trip to Tibet he is recognized as the new Dalai Lama and is sought out by tortured Hollywood starlets for his world famous Himalayan karma cleansing therapy.

Marylin goes on to lose her looks, gain and lose untold numbers of pounds, and eventually starts a weight loss/ rehab clinic with Betty Ford and Liz Taylor. She leaves Joe Dimagio for Richard Burton each time he divorces Liz Taylor. Joe is always there for her when Liz and Richard reunite, and soothes her with freshly brewed cups of coffee.

Jack Ruby, unhappy with the 51st state, which he calls the kraut state, moves to the mountains of Idaho and starts a right-wing "black-powder" community, where he secretly plots an assassination attempt on JFK; the attempt fails when he leans too far out the book depository window and falls to his death. Upon hitting the ground his rifle discharges and accidentally kills a gunman hidden behind a bush on a nearby grassy knoll.

Elton John never writes "Candle in the wind" and, instead of performing the song at Princess Diana's memorial, is caught that night in an undercover sting operation in a public restroom with Hugh Grant and Boy George.

Mary Joe Kopechne never joins Teddy Kennedy in politics, and moves to a small town in northern Mass. where she raises a family of 5; she never lets them near the water due to an inexplicable aqua phobia.

In an unrelated development due simply to the butterfly effect, during an annual reenactment of the battle of Gettysburg, both sides realize what an incredible waste of life it was; all weapons are dropped and no one thinks about the civil war ever again.